


finn really should learn to speak droid

by peradi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Dialogue Heavy, M/M, boys are idiots, somehow this got feelings, sweary robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 06:55:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5733835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peradi/pseuds/peradi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You coat-stealing bitch, just fucking fuck him already."</p><p>"I love you too BB-8."</p><p>"Learn Droid you illiterate fuck."</p><p>"I wonder when Poe'll get back?"</p><p>"I hate you."</p><p>--</p><p>Finn doesn't understand BB-8's eminently sensible advice. BB-8 has a very hard life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	finn really should learn to speak droid

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr -- perradi.tumblr.com -- so pls follow for more sweary robots and star wars crack. and a lot of kylux.

"What's wrong with you? You're not well -- get back into bed! Hey! Coat-stealer! I'm talking to you! Medical-droid thing -- get him back into bed!"

" _Really_ ," says the Medico-Droid, prim and silver and calm. It's claw clacks open and closed. "Master Finn, you must get back into bed."

"It's no use! He doesn't understand you. The arse doesn't speak Droid."

" _Language_."

"Oh, suck my memory port," trills BB-8, rolling after Finn. 

 

\--

 

"Where's Poe?" says Finn, and that's promising at least. He's agitated: core body temperature rising, perspiring more than normal, fingers flexing open and closed. 

"Hey, do you know he fancies you? Like, really, fancies you? Why do you think he gave that coat? It's not out of the goodness of his heart; it's a big sign that says PROPERTY OF POE DAMERON. He's called dibs. Are you accepting the dibs? Are you going to fuck him, because I'm getting really sick of him crying himself to sleep -- or having a wank when he's thinking of you -- and believe me, that's a lot. Did you know that we can tell when you're having a wank? It doesn't really bother me -- you need to do it to stay healthy -- but Poe got really strange when I offered to stream footage of you fighting for him. Or the footage of you in the shower. Apparently I'm not meant to film you in the shower."

"What's he saying?"

The General's Droid is not flawless, but she understands enough. Her face looks strained; she's swallowing back laughter.

"That Poe's on a mission," she says, "and he had BB-8 stay behind to watch you."

"He's probably going to die," opines BB-8, with a sad little beep. "He took BB-7 and she's worse than useless. If she dies, he says that I have to follow you around for the rest of my life -- that won't be great. No offense coatstealer, but you've got the conversational ability of a spoon." BB-8 rolls back and forth, its head bobbing this way and that as it thinks. And then it concludes: "A shit spoon."

The General snorts, which she tries to turn into a cough. 

"Humans," says BB-8, and somehow gives the impression of rolling eyes. 

 

\--

 

"It's not as fun without Poe around," says Finn, after a day of practicing flying with Red Squadron. "I miss him."

"Because you have a massive crush on him. Because you're in love with him. Have sex with him."

Finn tugs the coat -- Poe's coat -- tighter around him, even though the temperature is balmy and the sky is clear and blue. 

"I wonder what sort of mission he's on."

"A mission to get into your pants. He punched Snap for looking at your arse too long."

"It's so relaxing having you around."

"Learn Droid, you illiterate fuck."

"Ha. I love you too, BB-8," and Finn pats its head -- the  _indignity_ \-- and BB-8 rolls ahead, forcing the human to jog a little to catch up. 

"Have sex with Poe!" BB-8 trills back over his shoulder. 

 

\--

 

"If you fuck him, I'll stop showing people that footage of you pretending to be Han Solo in front of the mirror."

"I'm getting better with the whole walking thing. Don't need the stick anymore! And my back's so much better; there's almost no scar."

"...I'm happy that you have recovered."

 

\--

 

"Maybe don't rush into it," says BB-8. "In fact, please don't rush into it. Ask for help. Get a poll going. Source some lube --"

"So  _that's_ how humans have sex," says Finn to Rey. 

Stormtroopers have sexual education. 

It is clearly somewhat lacking. 

Rey lived on Jakku for twenty two years. She's never really bothered about the complexities of human sexuality -- most of her friends were not human, and she's always had more pressing concerns. 

"Really?" she says, intrigued. "Forty seconds seem a little long. Won't it chafe?"

"I don't know. Human males last forty seconds, and only have sex once every two weeks. It's the way we're made."

"I've changed my mind. Don't ever have sex with Poe."

 

\--

 

"It's not just the sex. He really likes you. You risked everything for him. You're a hero, and you don't even realise it."

"I'll never be as good as Poe. He's...amazing."

"You're already as good as him. He's in love with you."

"I don't know BB-8 -- I just feel like an imposter, you know? I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Please don't tell Poe. I mean...he's probably already forgotten about me."

"Don't be a fucking idiot," says BB-8, and rolls up to him, leaning on his knee. 

 

\--

 

Poe returns. He and Finn hug for forty five seconds, and when they break apart Poe is blushing. 

"Missed you," he says. 

"Missed you too," says Finn.

"Be suave, you dumb motherfucker! He's mad about you! Don't turn into a bumbling twat now! Just...kiss him! Kiss him, right now! He likes you too -- though please please explain sex to him -- and he wants you, and he's beautiful and you could not do better. Kiss him!"

"What's wrong with BB-8?"

"Uh," says Poe. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

He takes Finn in his arms and kisses him, long and sweet, and BB-8 whoops with joy. 

"Knew you could do it! That damn MedDroid owes me fifty credits."

 

\--

 

"Maybe I should learn Droid," Finn says, afterwards, sweat-slick and sore. 

Poe toys with his hair. "Uh. I don't know how great an idea that would be."

 

\--

 

BB-8 tells everyone on base. It is very happy at a mission finally complete. 


End file.
